I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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