i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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