So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
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