I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Operation Purity has been aborted
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
