My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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