Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
