so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
