The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Randomize
