I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
