she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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