How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
