fuck your aforementioned shoe
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
