i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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