be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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