Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
