i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
