I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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