i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
the liver wants what the liver wants
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
