She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
