just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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