So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
