Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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