fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Pappa wants mamma naked
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
