My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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