After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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