I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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