Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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