Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize
