I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I need to calm my uterus...
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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