I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
