I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
My life is pants optional.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
