the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
