I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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