Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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