I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
