you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
