took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'm just crazy horny about you
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Ladies don't puke and tell
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
