Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
