my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Randomize
