You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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