I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
