I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
