I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize