I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
God I need to hump something, right now.
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