dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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