proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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