his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
