girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
