I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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