Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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