You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
