she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
