i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Randomize
