Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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