I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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