At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
