As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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