I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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