someone threw a dead crab at me
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
