if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
