we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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