Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
im holly from the hills drunk
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
