U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
