Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize