Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
This baby is an asshole
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
