This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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