U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
