I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
