Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
