so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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